Below is my testimony of How God delivered me of homosexuality.
Hello, community. I would like to share my testimony of how
the Lord delivered me of homosexuality. Actually, I made a journal entry about
my testimony at Deviantart---twice. The first testimony was written immediately
after receiving the Holy Ghost; however, the testimony was riddled with grammar
errors---and unanswered questions for me personally. So, the first testimony
was eventually deleted. After I sat down, prayed and ventured through my past,
which was far from easy, I was able to (Glory to God) put many pieces
together about how homosexuality came into my life. The main pieces include
pornography and molestation. I'm not going to dwell too much on the sin
here. I have to and I must give God praise throughout this testimony.
It all started when I was four or five years old. I was born into a Christian family. My mom and dad were happily married and are still married to this day, Praise Jesus! My folks were still making siblings for me and the rest of us---I come from a family of twelve. I was always shy around strangers, but playful around my family and those who I considered to be friends. It appeared as if I was an average little girl, until the devil sought to destroy me at a young age. My first encounter with sexual lust happened when my parents were away. My mom was pregnant at that time, so she and my father were most likely at the hospital. Unfortunately, my parents left the cable channels available…and by channels, I mean the naughty channels. My siblings and I stormed our parents' room, got a hold of the remote control and channel surfed almost endlessly. We stopped on an adult channel—it was some low budget porn movie that made absolutely no sense. When my eyes caught the actions of those people in the movie, I felt strange sensations in my lower body. We changed the channel eventually, but I couldn't change what I saw. As a child, I always thought that these sensations were due to having a full bladder, but it was more than what I thought it was. Quite honestly, my little body desired sex at an untimely age. My desires felt strange ever since that first encounter, but there was yet another which played a huge role in perverting my desires.
While I was at my elementary school, I played with tons of different kids, especially the kids from my class. I believe I was still in kindergarten or first grade. One day on the playground, my typical school mates weren't at school. I wandered off picking up rocks etc. Suddenly, there was a boy who looked as if he wanted to play with me. The boy seemed to be seven or eight years old. He chased me a couple of times until I noticed that he wouldn't let down. I still thought that he was playing---although I was kind of bothered with him. The boy eventually caught me and took me to a section of the playground filled with pine trees, and a blind spot where no one can be seen. The boy was not alone---four other boys were waiting in the secluded area. It's quite disturbing to write what these boys attempted to do to me. Sure enough, even as little boys, their motive was to rape me. One boy held me from behind while the other attempted to penetrate me from the front. I was fully clothed though, yet violated beyond words. I couldn't say anything due to fear.
Thankfully, the boys did not know how to do what they had planned. So, the boy who chased me shoved me away and just like that, it was over. My mind, body and soul felt totally violated. I couldn't begin to describe what had happened. I recall trying to tell a teacher about the crime, but I became speechless when I approached her. She asked what was wrong, but I couldn't say anything. I became ashamed of myself and ashamed of those boys, but I was more ashamed of myself. I was so ashamed, that I decided that I would make as if the event never happened---and it truly became as if it was all a nightmare. Amazing how the brain works. There was a second crime against me that happened at my elementary school—again at the playground. While I was innocently reaching to drink water from the water fountain, a boy touched me inappropriately from behind. I was angered, but I was so fearful. I did not tell on him, although I should have.
My desires continued to warp for worse. Upon being exposed to pornography, and being a victim of molestation, I gave in to the desires and it felt good to me. I actually longed to find racy scenes on movies. The desires I had were not for men though. I desired the same sex. The desires were very strong, but as I stated, it felt good. These desires led to self-gratification if you get my drift. My mind was so polluted with sexual darkness. I couldn't go a day without thinking about these perverted fantasies. I kept my dark secret to myself of course, but there is nothing I could hide from Christ. Here's comes the conviction! I remember watching the movie Ten Commandments. I saw the scene when the Hebrews rebelled against God and praised the golden calf. Upon looking at that scene, I became afraid. Now I don't think there weren't any homosexuality on that part, but it revealed some scenes of lust---well, homosexuality is lust after all. Normally I'd anticipate the lust, but I could not bear to do it this time.
There was something about this movie that struck that secret sin of mine. I was convicted, yet the sin of homosexuality became stronger. I believe it is because the 10 commandments operate like a mirror reflecting faults and sin. How glorious that even homosexuality was convicted despite it not being mentioned by name. Praise God! Now my sin did become stronger and still chose to give in to the strong desire. However, the pleasure began to feel painful. My sin was becoming a burden as it should very well be. During my teen years, I was now ashamed of homosexuality, yet I was powerless to fight against it. I was too afraid to tell my folks or anyone that I had same-sex attraction. My mind was still a dark place, and I still gave in to the sin without much of a struggle. The very word of 'homosexuality' made me cringe because I knew that I had a problem with it.
The word of God was never far from me since I lived in a Christian home, and at this point in time, I knew that homosexuality was a sin, but because I was so helpless to fight against the sin and gave in on my own, I thought that I was going to hell without question. Not so. During my middle school years, I recall asking a neighbor about Heaven and Hell. I asked her "if I am not a Christian, will I go to hell?" She straight-forwardly told me that I would go to hell without God, and get this---this woman was a lesbian! She was a catholic woman, but she was right nonetheless. I became frightened beyond words and immediately went to my house to finally confess to God about my dreadful sin. The confession was very hard to do, but worth it. Now I wanted to be saved. I begin going to my parent's church in a desperate search for salvation. I was baptized in Jesus' name, and I did 'feel' better, but I was not saved yet. Now that I was being obedient to God's voice, the devil was ready for a full frontal war against me.
My high school years was the best for my personality---I was breaking out of shyness, but the spiritual warfare was intense. At this time, I was resisting homosexuality—on my own, which was a problem. The temptation was outrageous, sleep was terrible and my mind was my worst enemy. Some nights the devil attacked me so viciously, that my mind became flooded with suicide thoughts and blasphemy against God. I thought I was going crazy. One day at High School, I was tempted so terribly, that I was on the verge of finally confessing my sin to someone other than God. I was crying profusely and did not go to class that day. I went to the counselor instead. I tried to tell her in so many words that I was struggling with homosexuality, but somehow sensed (praise God) that she was not a Godly woman. I just told her that I wanted to go speak to my dad, since he was an Usher at that time. I think I went home early that day, and I did speak with my dad. I almost confessed to him about my sin, but I held back. Instead I asked him about prayer, and vaguely explained that I needed prayer for a certain situation. I forgot some of what was said in that conversation, but my dad told me to trust in the Lord and have faith in Him. I did pray to the Lord that night placing all of my faith in Him; sure enough I slept beautifully. Round one of spiritual warfare had ended, but that was only the beginning.
During my early college days, the homosexual desires were weakening. I trusted more in God's strength and less in my own to fight those desires. I still did not make mention of having a history with that sin yet, but it would only be a matter of time before I couldn't take it anymore. 2007, November, I was employed with Dillard's, and began preaching against homosexuality at a web site called Deviantart, a huge art community with a large homosexual population. The more I preached against homosexuality, the more I felt the need to confess my history. While I was working on the night of November 18, 2007, I began to experience vehemently strong homosexual temptations like I've never felt before. The temptations were so strong, that I could hardly look at any other woman. I was shivering in so much fear of returning back to that vile sin. I couldn't contain my tears---this time I had to tell someone about my struggle (I do recall telling two other people online, but I never told anyone in person). Thankfully, my Christian friend was working the night shift with me.
I brought her to the stock room, and confessed my past to her. I was crying profusely and I was afraid after I confessed. My friend simply prayed over me. I was still crying while admitting that I must be a Christian since I was going through the spiritual struggles. Suddenly as I was crying, my mourning was transformed to joy. My mourning was turned into laughter, and there was an unspeakable joyous flame in bosom that only the word of God can explain: " …But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones…"(Jeremiah 20:9). My Heavenly Father—My Jesus poured down His Holy Ghost on me on what appeared to be my darkest day. While laughing in joy and speaking in tongues, another co-worker stormed in and asked what was going on. My friend replied, "She's praising the Lord". I was filled with the Holy Ghost; I wanted to run laps in the store, I did!
My troubles ended that night, and I totally felt born again. I continued to preach against homosexuality---with much trial and error, but God encourages me through His word to keep up the good fight. I was finally able to confess my past to my family including the molestation incidents. My confession didn't receive a humble response from most of my family. Many of my family members refused to believe that I was homosexual, and some to this day treat me with disdain not because I confessed, but because I preach against it! The confusion was to be expected since I waited so long to tell them, but the good news is that my parents support my efforts to witness to the homosexuals. They believe that as long as I am following God's word, then I am alright. While many people to this day throw the hate flag at me for preaching against homosexuality, I count it all as joy. Some days can be very challenging dealing with LGBTs and their endless hate accusations, but I am convinced that God placed me at Deviantart and many other places to get His precious Word out. My Jesus delivered me of a strong hold sin…and with that He made me into a person that I never thought I would be. I am bold because of Christ. I am out-spoken because of Christ, and I am a new person because of my Christ. Some days the temptations come back, but I would like to testify that homosexuality has been the least of my problems. PRAISE GOD! Keep me in prayer, and always give Glory to God!
It all started when I was four or five years old. I was born into a Christian family. My mom and dad were happily married and are still married to this day, Praise Jesus! My folks were still making siblings for me and the rest of us---I come from a family of twelve. I was always shy around strangers, but playful around my family and those who I considered to be friends. It appeared as if I was an average little girl, until the devil sought to destroy me at a young age. My first encounter with sexual lust happened when my parents were away. My mom was pregnant at that time, so she and my father were most likely at the hospital. Unfortunately, my parents left the cable channels available…and by channels, I mean the naughty channels. My siblings and I stormed our parents' room, got a hold of the remote control and channel surfed almost endlessly. We stopped on an adult channel—it was some low budget porn movie that made absolutely no sense. When my eyes caught the actions of those people in the movie, I felt strange sensations in my lower body. We changed the channel eventually, but I couldn't change what I saw. As a child, I always thought that these sensations were due to having a full bladder, but it was more than what I thought it was. Quite honestly, my little body desired sex at an untimely age. My desires felt strange ever since that first encounter, but there was yet another which played a huge role in perverting my desires.
While I was at my elementary school, I played with tons of different kids, especially the kids from my class. I believe I was still in kindergarten or first grade. One day on the playground, my typical school mates weren't at school. I wandered off picking up rocks etc. Suddenly, there was a boy who looked as if he wanted to play with me. The boy seemed to be seven or eight years old. He chased me a couple of times until I noticed that he wouldn't let down. I still thought that he was playing---although I was kind of bothered with him. The boy eventually caught me and took me to a section of the playground filled with pine trees, and a blind spot where no one can be seen. The boy was not alone---four other boys were waiting in the secluded area. It's quite disturbing to write what these boys attempted to do to me. Sure enough, even as little boys, their motive was to rape me. One boy held me from behind while the other attempted to penetrate me from the front. I was fully clothed though, yet violated beyond words. I couldn't say anything due to fear.
Thankfully, the boys did not know how to do what they had planned. So, the boy who chased me shoved me away and just like that, it was over. My mind, body and soul felt totally violated. I couldn't begin to describe what had happened. I recall trying to tell a teacher about the crime, but I became speechless when I approached her. She asked what was wrong, but I couldn't say anything. I became ashamed of myself and ashamed of those boys, but I was more ashamed of myself. I was so ashamed, that I decided that I would make as if the event never happened---and it truly became as if it was all a nightmare. Amazing how the brain works. There was a second crime against me that happened at my elementary school—again at the playground. While I was innocently reaching to drink water from the water fountain, a boy touched me inappropriately from behind. I was angered, but I was so fearful. I did not tell on him, although I should have.
My desires continued to warp for worse. Upon being exposed to pornography, and being a victim of molestation, I gave in to the desires and it felt good to me. I actually longed to find racy scenes on movies. The desires I had were not for men though. I desired the same sex. The desires were very strong, but as I stated, it felt good. These desires led to self-gratification if you get my drift. My mind was so polluted with sexual darkness. I couldn't go a day without thinking about these perverted fantasies. I kept my dark secret to myself of course, but there is nothing I could hide from Christ. Here's comes the conviction! I remember watching the movie Ten Commandments. I saw the scene when the Hebrews rebelled against God and praised the golden calf. Upon looking at that scene, I became afraid. Now I don't think there weren't any homosexuality on that part, but it revealed some scenes of lust---well, homosexuality is lust after all. Normally I'd anticipate the lust, but I could not bear to do it this time.
There was something about this movie that struck that secret sin of mine. I was convicted, yet the sin of homosexuality became stronger. I believe it is because the 10 commandments operate like a mirror reflecting faults and sin. How glorious that even homosexuality was convicted despite it not being mentioned by name. Praise God! Now my sin did become stronger and still chose to give in to the strong desire. However, the pleasure began to feel painful. My sin was becoming a burden as it should very well be. During my teen years, I was now ashamed of homosexuality, yet I was powerless to fight against it. I was too afraid to tell my folks or anyone that I had same-sex attraction. My mind was still a dark place, and I still gave in to the sin without much of a struggle. The very word of 'homosexuality' made me cringe because I knew that I had a problem with it.
The word of God was never far from me since I lived in a Christian home, and at this point in time, I knew that homosexuality was a sin, but because I was so helpless to fight against the sin and gave in on my own, I thought that I was going to hell without question. Not so. During my middle school years, I recall asking a neighbor about Heaven and Hell. I asked her "if I am not a Christian, will I go to hell?" She straight-forwardly told me that I would go to hell without God, and get this---this woman was a lesbian! She was a catholic woman, but she was right nonetheless. I became frightened beyond words and immediately went to my house to finally confess to God about my dreadful sin. The confession was very hard to do, but worth it. Now I wanted to be saved. I begin going to my parent's church in a desperate search for salvation. I was baptized in Jesus' name, and I did 'feel' better, but I was not saved yet. Now that I was being obedient to God's voice, the devil was ready for a full frontal war against me.
My high school years was the best for my personality---I was breaking out of shyness, but the spiritual warfare was intense. At this time, I was resisting homosexuality—on my own, which was a problem. The temptation was outrageous, sleep was terrible and my mind was my worst enemy. Some nights the devil attacked me so viciously, that my mind became flooded with suicide thoughts and blasphemy against God. I thought I was going crazy. One day at High School, I was tempted so terribly, that I was on the verge of finally confessing my sin to someone other than God. I was crying profusely and did not go to class that day. I went to the counselor instead. I tried to tell her in so many words that I was struggling with homosexuality, but somehow sensed (praise God) that she was not a Godly woman. I just told her that I wanted to go speak to my dad, since he was an Usher at that time. I think I went home early that day, and I did speak with my dad. I almost confessed to him about my sin, but I held back. Instead I asked him about prayer, and vaguely explained that I needed prayer for a certain situation. I forgot some of what was said in that conversation, but my dad told me to trust in the Lord and have faith in Him. I did pray to the Lord that night placing all of my faith in Him; sure enough I slept beautifully. Round one of spiritual warfare had ended, but that was only the beginning.
During my early college days, the homosexual desires were weakening. I trusted more in God's strength and less in my own to fight those desires. I still did not make mention of having a history with that sin yet, but it would only be a matter of time before I couldn't take it anymore. 2007, November, I was employed with Dillard's, and began preaching against homosexuality at a web site called Deviantart, a huge art community with a large homosexual population. The more I preached against homosexuality, the more I felt the need to confess my history. While I was working on the night of November 18, 2007, I began to experience vehemently strong homosexual temptations like I've never felt before. The temptations were so strong, that I could hardly look at any other woman. I was shivering in so much fear of returning back to that vile sin. I couldn't contain my tears---this time I had to tell someone about my struggle (I do recall telling two other people online, but I never told anyone in person). Thankfully, my Christian friend was working the night shift with me.
I brought her to the stock room, and confessed my past to her. I was crying profusely and I was afraid after I confessed. My friend simply prayed over me. I was still crying while admitting that I must be a Christian since I was going through the spiritual struggles. Suddenly as I was crying, my mourning was transformed to joy. My mourning was turned into laughter, and there was an unspeakable joyous flame in bosom that only the word of God can explain: " …But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones…"(Jeremiah 20:9). My Heavenly Father—My Jesus poured down His Holy Ghost on me on what appeared to be my darkest day. While laughing in joy and speaking in tongues, another co-worker stormed in and asked what was going on. My friend replied, "She's praising the Lord". I was filled with the Holy Ghost; I wanted to run laps in the store, I did!
My troubles ended that night, and I totally felt born again. I continued to preach against homosexuality---with much trial and error, but God encourages me through His word to keep up the good fight. I was finally able to confess my past to my family including the molestation incidents. My confession didn't receive a humble response from most of my family. Many of my family members refused to believe that I was homosexual, and some to this day treat me with disdain not because I confessed, but because I preach against it! The confusion was to be expected since I waited so long to tell them, but the good news is that my parents support my efforts to witness to the homosexuals. They believe that as long as I am following God's word, then I am alright. While many people to this day throw the hate flag at me for preaching against homosexuality, I count it all as joy. Some days can be very challenging dealing with LGBTs and their endless hate accusations, but I am convinced that God placed me at Deviantart and many other places to get His precious Word out. My Jesus delivered me of a strong hold sin…and with that He made me into a person that I never thought I would be. I am bold because of Christ. I am out-spoken because of Christ, and I am a new person because of my Christ. Some days the temptations come back, but I would like to testify that homosexuality has been the least of my problems. PRAISE GOD! Keep me in prayer, and always give Glory to God!
You are a woman who listens to the promptings of the Lord. I believe that God called you before you were even in your mother's womb and that He knew you would answer the call to share His truth and His Word with other people. Have you wrapped your heart around Ephesians 6:12 to know your enemy is and was Satan working through people. Have you forgiven and released the boys who abused you. Seventy times seven, I still ask myself this question. I ask the Holy Spirit to empower me to forgive and release all the abusers. Thank you for obeying the call.
ReplyDeleteThose boys have been long forgiven. Why would you think that I was still mad at them? I don't even recall many of their faces, except for one.
ReplyDeleteJust challenging you with the question as forgiveness is so essential to moving on. By the way, the company my testimonial is with is working on the website now as it is not opening correctly. I will let you know when it is functioning correctly again. Be blessed. Lonnie
ReplyDeleteWouldn't my testimony be in vain if I didn't forgive them...
Delete